Socializing with monkeys people can be tricky sometimes.

Here’s a quick 17 rules cheat sheet to make your socializing experience easier.

Let’s dig right into it …

1. There is no free lunch. If you’re getting free lunch, they want something from you (ie, the guy that buys dinner in hope for pussy)

Corollary: always make her split the bill on the first date. Or pay for the first meal and then make her pay for the second dinner.

2. Trust is hard earned. Never trust people. Always be questioning what you hear. If they’re going on an overly long rant from someone, think: “what’s in it for them?”

3. Don’t be afraid to be judged. After all, the king doesn’t care for the opinions of plebs. However …

4. Do not argue with an idiot. If you argue with an idiot, it also makes you an idiot (ie, wasted time)

5. Never hesitate to ask [her] out on a date. The pain of regret is stronger than the pain of embarassment.

6. Never give advice. People don’t need advice, unless they ask for it. Giving advice without being asked is very annoying.

7. If you lend money to a friend, never expect it back. Money can ruin friendship. Also, never “loan” money to a stranger.

8. Don’t be nice for the sake of fitting in. Be curt and polite. However, people mistake being curt and polite for being a doormat. When the time comes, look into their eyes and tell the person to fuck off.

9. Friendiness comes from not judging. Never speak ill of a person or give them advice. Instead, give them encouragement. This will make you a friendier person by default.

10. People don’t just open their mouths to convey information. They yap like monkeys because they want to boost their social status. Nod your head, say “very good!” and let them bask in their temporary ego boost. Do not call bullshit on people because everyone already knows it’s bullshit.

11. Do not be a white knight. The same guy who says: “You can’t say that to a woman, that’s wrong! That’s bad!” is the same snivelling shit that will later approach the woman and say: “Soooooo, now that I did that for you … you want to go out for dinner?”

12. Let it go. People who wronged you or gossiped about you. Plebs are everywhere. You need to focus on where you’re going in life – that’s the only thing that matters. You’re a sports car tail gating towards your destination.

13. Do not be afraid to be called out for being “weird” or another label. A polarizing personality will either make people really hate you or like you. The haters doesn’t matter and the people who like you will make your life enjoyable.

14. Young men who go out to “pick up girls” do not know the value of their time. Do not go out to “meet women”. Then how do you meet new women? During your time out to the gym or hobby setting, make new friends.

15. Whenever you go out, dress nice cause you never know when you’re going to make new friends. Just walk over and say “hi” – no pick up lines or gimmicks needed.

16. Drop the fragile ego. Most people get upset when they get insulted. No you – just use humor.

Guy: You’re dumb as fuck.
You: Look buddy, my IQ is room temperature. I collect welfare for my mental disability. Please no bully.

Guy: You’re ugly.
You: I know, I dropped out of my mom’s pussy and into the floor, face first. Looking to save money for plastic surgery.

17. The majority of people are solipsistic, so appeal to their selfish nature. Ask them questions to make them feel special and more “bonded” with you. How to make friends? Ask them questions, don’t judge them and praise them occasionally.

18. Sometimes, when someone is bantering and says “FUCK YOU, BUDDY!” they’re trying to establish social dominance. The key is not to be offended but verbally shove them back.

GOOD REACTION #1:

Guy trying to show dominance: FUCK YOU BUDDY.

You: In the ass? Or mouth? Wait a second, you’re gay? Does your wife know this?

GOOD REACTION #2:

Guy trying to show dominance: FUCK YOU BUDDY.

You: I already did this morning. I watched Italian porn, it was good stuff.

GOOD REACTION #3:

Guy trying to show dominance: FUCK YOU BUDDY.

You: It’s $60 dollar a fuck. I like hairy guys like you, I bet you got a nice hairy ass. *smirk*

BAD REACTION #1:

Guy trying to show dominance: FUCK YOU BUDDY.

You: How dare you say that! Come outside and we’ll fight! Fucking guy.

Remember what I said about humans flinging verbal shit at each other. Use humor and slight insult to fling shit back at them. The key is to not take anything personally and use humor.

Conclusion

Talking to other monkeys humans can be tricky business, since people talk to jockey for social status (like a monkey).  Monkeys fling shit at each other, human being fling verbal shit at each other. The rule of thumb is to be a friendly and curt person. Hang out with people you love and ignore haters and idiots.

After all, the Uber Human doesn’t have time for non-sense.

This is Max Uber, over and out.